Losing Grip
by silverscreenstar
Summary: They were in love...right? Or that's what he thought. Until everything fell apart. YukiHaru fic with YAOI in the first chapter. Not sure about future chapters. Rated M for said Yaoi and for language.
1. Shafted

Hi, all! Some important notes before I kick this off.

This is not only my first fic, but my first slash as well! So be kind. It's Yuki/Haru with yaoi in the first chapter...not sure about later chapters yet. There may be a scene of rape. I don't know, though. I'm writing this as it comes to me. Also, Yuki is slightly out of character compared to the manga, but you'll see what I mean. It's nothing drastic, only slight. Lastly, this story is dedicated to my friend Tommy. :)

("" indicates Flashback/-/ indicates start and finish of yaoi)

Let's start this bitch!

_Losing Grip_

Alone is an awful feeling. A large abyss that you are unable to untangle yourself from, afraid of slipping further away from reality, you dare not struggle, not sure if this empty feeling could possibly get worse.

You just feel shitty, to put it bluntly.

Being shafted is even worse. Ever since _she_ has been around, he's been different. She's shaken his world to the ground, and I'm back to being the slow, stupid, FUNNY Ox that makes everyone else laugh at his expense. How did I come to earn the title of entertainer? It was not something bestowed to me at birth. It was not something that was thrust upon me by family members.

She did it to me. By taking over this family, _she_ has made me feel like this. Like this insignificant, used, fucked up human being.

I loved him so much, it hurt. It shook me to the core, but I did my best not to show it. Walking next to him made me feel meaningful, occasionally linking arms in some fit of horny schoolboy hormone frenzy. Nothing past that. He fed the fire and played along, as I like to say. The gorgeous little thing would toss his head and look at me with those big violet, hazy eyes, inviting me into his brain.

"Hatsuharu, wait for me!"

"Can you hold these for me, Hatsuharu?"

"Come lie in the grass with me, Hatsuharu!"

"Haru, let's race!"

"Dinner on me!"

"Haru!"

"_Haru!"_

Can you blame me for being pulled along in this whirlwind?

Shafted.

I was fucking shafted.

"Haru?"

He looked at me and pulled on the sleeve of my coat.

"There's no food in the house. Do you wanna go grab something for dinner?"

"Um..." I put my book down, "Sure, Yuki."

"I figured we could just go get some soumen at the corner. Sit down. Talk. Relax. That kind of thing."

"There's a cheaper and better place downtown, if you feel like driving a bit."

"Fine by me." He went off to search for the keys, while I dog eared my book.

"'Kay, let's go." He chirped, fingering the keys and calling a quick explanation to Sensei.

I didn't mean for it to be awkward during dinner, but somehow it turned out that way.

"Haru?" He stared intently at me, the neon lights from outside creating a halo around his head; he looked angelic, "what are you thinking about?" His big puppy-dog eyes coupled with his inquiring, lilting tone caused me to crack a smile.

"...You really wanna know?"

He nodded.

I twirled the soumen around the chopsticks, trying to formulate an answer for him.

"What are we, Yuk?" I asked, gesturing to the both of us, "what is this called?"

There was a pause in which he thought. Then a smile, a soft serene one, graced his face, and he leaned into the table.

"The best friends ever possible, that's what it's called!" he combined this with a good-natured punch to my shoulder.

I tried my best to hide me disappointment. I knew he was gonna say that. _Who was I kidding, anyway?_ The check came, luckily. I paid hastily and grabbed the keys.

"I'll drive." I slid out of the seat, walking quickly, doing everything possible to keep my emotions in check so I wouldn't go Black and cause mass pandemonium or something to that degree. Yuki seemed completely oblivious, which was wierd, seeing as he can usually tell I'm getting pissed off before I can. We exited the restaurant and walked to the back parking lot where the car was. I had kept my composure surprisingly.

Feeling quite proud of myself, I climbed into the driver's seat and shoved the keys in the ignition. Before I could start the engine however, I felt a hand stopping me by placing itself on top of mine.

I stared, rather stunned, at Yuki's hand covering my own. I looked up to see him sitting VERY close to me. So close that I could feel his warm breath on my face.

"I didn't want to attract attention in there," he mumbled, moving his hand to my thigh. I felt my eyes widen while my mouth stayed firmly shut, "but I feel I must confess, Haru-san." A tremor shot through my body as he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I think we're _much_ more than best friends."

/-/

"Yuki, I..."

As I went to speak, he placed a finger over my lips, removed it, then kissed me.

Immediately, thousands of thoughts rushed through my head. I had no intentions of stopping, yet I felt funny at the same time. The force he had on me was too powerful.. I had a slight mental battle with myself, ultimately ruling out that this was what I wanted, and that was why I could NOT pull away.

I grasped his face in my hands and deepened the kiss, trying to move so as to hide my growing erection. He twirled my tongue with his expertly, his sweet breath mingling with mine.

"Haru," he murmured softly against my lips, "I love you."

"I love you too," I heard myself saying, shifting in my seat again.

"Aww...are you uncomfortable?" he purred, moving to my neck. I blushed. I had hoped that the darkness of the car would hide my stark desire, "because I can take care of that for you."

I blushed an even deeper shade of red. I was not prepared for this bold move on his part. In fact, I had never done anything like this before with anyone. Contrary to people's beliefs, I was a virgin in every sense of the word. EVERY sense. So his insinuation to take the next step was very daunting at first.

"Yuki, um, are you sure? Because I hope you don't think I expect that from you."

He smiled again, and held my head in his hands, pressing his forehead to mine, "I _want_ to do this."

"Al-alright, then," I consented. He kissed me again gently, on my lips, then my neck.

He moved his head down to my lap, looked up at me to make sure he still had my approval, and reached for the zipper of my pants. I closed my eyes as he worked me out of my boxers easily. My face was burning up at this point, not really from embarrassment, more from excitement.

"Open your eyes," he commanded. I obeyed, and looked down to see him staring up at me. Keeping his eyes locked with mine, he took me into his mouth. I gasped, startled pleasantly from the amazing sensations already building up in my body. Sensations I had never felt before. As he began to move his mouth, I place my hand on the back of his head, for fear that he would be hit by the steering wheel. I moaned and arched my hips against him, still not completely sure of what was taking place.

All I knew was that I liked it. I like it a lot.

This wasn't wrong in my book, what we were doing. This was love.

My breathing slowly began to speed up and the hand that wasn't on Yuki's head grabbed the armrest. My climax was so near, it _irritated_ me.

"Yuki..." I choked out as I orgasmed, and spilled out into his mouth. My eyes, blinded with pleasure, rolled around in my head as I tried to comprehend what had just happened to me.

/-/

"Let me off here. Otherwise Akito might see us." I had switched places with Yuki, letting him drive home. I felt too tired to do so. I grinned at him, and we shared a passionate goodnight kiss. He brushed his hand against my cheek, muttering lovely little things in my ear.

I broke the embrace and opened the car door, getting out and going around to the driver's side window to kiss him once again.

"Goodnight, sweetie," he whispered as we broke apart, "I love you."

"I love you too."

He gave me another smile, and sped off, leaving me in the middle of the road. I stood for a couple seconds, catching my breath, and digesting what had just transpired. After a little while, I simply smirked to myself and walked to the house.

"_He loves me. He really loves me."_

Now let me tell you how he ruined me...

Reviews would be really cool. Keep in mind that I use flames to roast marshmallows, not to read. Merci!


	2. Losing Grip

**Thanks to the two people who reviewed the story! Um, it would be REALLY cool if I got even MORE reviews this time! (That's not a hint or anything) Plus, Haru thrives off reviews, so if you don't submit, he will _die_.**

Haru: no I won't.

SHHHHHH!

Anyway, chapter two commences...NOW.

It was OK for a little while. In fact, it was perfect. We were a clandestine couple, hidden from everyone, except for Rin, to whom I'd confessed I was gay earlier in the year.

I was in Heaven.

It was sickeningly cute.

We would walk hand-in-hand through the park, lie on the trampoline behind Sensei's house, talking, cuddling, kissing, whatever...just doing couple-y things, I guess. The best part of all of this was that Akito was **clueless**. This needless to say, surprised the hell out of me. But not a single word came our way of her anger that Yuki and I were together.

I would walk home after a date, nearly skipping with elation. I was with the one I loved. My _soul mate_. The person I had pictured myself with for the past few years of my life. It was all falling into place, now.

I didn't turn Black at all while we were together. I began to wonder if Black Haru had completely disappeared, for good. For keeps.

Yuki was so good to me.

He became a part of me.

We ate, slept, and breathed each other for two whole months...

Then she came.

"Did you hear about the girl who's staying here?"

"No. Who is she?"

"Some chick they found in a tent in the middle of the woods. And of course the fucking dog was 'nice' and 'benevolent' and opened our doors to her. What an idiot."

I snickered into the receiver. Kyo really was entertaining to talk to. And he always had the scoop on the latest Sohma gossip.

"What's her name?"

"Tohru something-or-other."

"Ah..."

"But she cooks and cleans, so we're all happy. Especially Yuki. Dumb rat."

My ears perked at the mention of my love. I felt the necessary blush rising in my cheeks. He did these things to me.

"Oh, really? Yuki's doing well?"

"Well, I would assume you would know, seeing as you guys are attached at the hip. I don't know about that, Haru. I like you, but I _hate_ Yuki. He's so self-centered. Are you sure he's a good best friend?"

I was taken aback at Kyo striking up such a...well, such a deep subject. He wasn't usually like this. Usually, he wanted to discuss martial arts, breaking things (more often than not, those "things" were parts of Yuki), or more martial arts.

"He's kind, Kyo. He really is. If you guys could see past your 'differences,' you'd see that the two of you are _uncannily_ alike."

"Ooh, nice word Haru. Have you been reading the dictionary again?"

I laughed again, "Is Yuki there, by any chance?"

Sigh on the other end, "yeah, but he's helping the girl with her homework. She's such a DITZ, Haru! It's almost laughable, really...do you want me to interrupt?"

"No need. I'll probably talk to him later."

"OK, then. See ya tomorrow maybe?"

"Maybe. Later."

I hung up, scratched my head, and slumped down on my bed.

_My lovely Yuki-kun..._

He never called me back.

An easy overlook. He probably had just forgotten.

But then I got word of Tohru through Momiji. Apparently Kyo and Yuki both _loved_ her so _so_ much. And I just _had_ to meet her, because she was just so sugary sweet.

Fat chance in hell, I'd meet her.

I went Black on my room.

Yuki held _my_ hand.

He cared for _me_.

He loved _me._

Who was this girl?

Maybe I should go to meet her.

So I went. I got lost. For three days.

I eventually got my bearings straight, however, and caught up with the three of them when they were in the middle of gym class.

She was way. Too. Perfect.

And I rather foolishly expressed my feelings for Yuki in front of everyone.

"_I'll make you mine."_

He responded to me like I was some sort of kid. Thinking that I, in my Black state, was in an altered childish, tantrum-y state.

"_So you'll make me yours. Then what will you do?"_

What the fuck was he playing at?

I walked home with them. Yuki had an attack, so I made sure he got home safely.

Then, I realized that all of a sudden, this strong love that we shared, was beginning to feel like it was awfully one-sided.

I called him on it.

"Yuki, we need to talk." I cornered him in the kitchen when he was looking for something to drink.

"What about?" he said nonchalantly.

"Oh, I think you know."

"If this is about our relationship..." he trailed off and dodged me to get a glass in the cabinet.

"What's the _matter_ with you!" I almost screamed at his back. "It's like you're a different person from the Yuki I knew two weeks ago! Is this some game that you're playing?"

He turned around, bewildered, with a glass in his hand. He walked swiftly towards me, and stopped, mere inches from my face.

"I don't regret what we did," he said, barely above a whisper, "but I have to tell you the truth, OK?"

I felt my stomach drop.

"Tell me. What's this _thing_ that you have to confess?"

He shot me a glare with those eyes, "I LIKE Ms. Honda. I like her A LOT. I could see myself going OUT with her. So this _thing_ that we have...has got to STOP."

I didn't realize that my breathing had sped up incredibly. I was angry. The color rose in my cheeks. It took all I had to restrain myself from throwing him against a wall.

"...What did you say? Are you breaking up with me!"

"...Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Yuki!" he started to leave.

He turned back towards me, "What do you have to say to me, Hatsuharu? Say it quickly, because this is over."

I was dumbfounded, "I thought you loved me."

He smirked.

And left.

Just like that.

MOTHERFUCKER.

Looking back on what happened that day, it seems like all that had unfolded so quickly. But in fact, I had all the warning signs previously. I was just too stupid to notice them.

I felt like an idiot. I had fallen into the category of a stereotypical teen romance.

Yuki. He seduced me with those eyes, that hair, his ways, his cute little giggle, his smile, his kindness. Everything.

But underneath it all, he was just afraid of being revealed.

That he liked me back.

That he got aroused by a guy.

That he was "abnormal." Abnormal, my ass.

He was afraid that she would reject him if she knew his past. His "dirty little secret," that he was my boyfriend. That we were together.

From then on, I began to lose my grip.

On him.

On myself.

On everything.

So, as I said, reviews are love, Haru will die, blah blah blah...PLEASE read and review. It spurs me on to write. Domo arigato! (bows)

SSS


	3. Pitch Black

**Ok, Chapter 3 was a little longer in the making than the other chappies. This is a song chapter, and there will be a POV change later on. Don't worry! I will give you ample warning!**

**And THANKS so much for the reviews! Haru is alive and healthy!**

**Haru: (munch, munch)**

**He likes his yummy reviews and cookies. He _loves_ cookies.**

**ANYWAY...**

**Chapter 3**

**Tohru's POV**

"You guys would make the _cutest_ couple!" Kagura gushed to me across the table

"Stop being silly! I would never go out with Yuki..." I giggled, internally disagreeing with the words that had just uttered themselves from my lips. However, I didn't want Yuki to overhear from the bathroom.

"Yuki's a prick." Kyo mumbled into his drink, but all I could do was smile. Yuki and Kyo's relationship, no matter how strangled it was, had definitely been changing recently for the better.

"Well, I'm just sayin'..." and with that, Kagura dropped the subject as Yuki eased back into the seat next to me.

"The bathrooms here are really nice," he said brightly.

"Does it look like we care?" Kyo spoke hatefully, once again. No matter. We were all accustomed to the antics that were the cat and the mouse.

Yuki narrowed his eyes, "I don't think you're smart enough to care, stupid cat. You'd probably go in the woods if you had the choice."

Kyo jumped out of his seat, screaming so violently at Yuki that he turned red in the face, "I'M NOT UNCIVILIZED, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE HINTING AT!"

I trembled, once again afraid that Kyo would hurt himself. Yet Yuki calmly placed a hand on mine, "No need to worry Miss Honda," he whispered before diverting his attention back to Kyo, "Well, you're certainly _acting_ uncivilized, what with all the screaming in a public place. Have you no manners?"

Kyo clenched his fists tighter to his palms before sitting down and mumbling something incoherent. Normally, I would try to mitigate situations like this after they happened.

However...I couldn't shake the tingly feeling that had just overcome me as Yuki's hand had touched mine.

_Maybe Kagura was right_. Maybe we _would_ make a cute couple.

Later that night, I lay awake in my bed, just thinking: mostly about Yuki. I couldn't get him out of my mind: the way his hair fell in those piercing, colorful eyes, the way he giggled, something he was doing more of now, and the way he spoke so gently to me.

_Could I have a crush on him? Does he feel the same?_

I rolled over on my side, my cheeks burning with the mere thought of us perhaps sharing a kiss someday. I smiled embarrassedly. No such thing would ever happen.

The next day, I walked in between Yuki and Kyo on our way to school. We talked mostly about the upcoming field trip to the Sea of Japan, something that was considered a big deal to all of us. We were joined halfway by Momiji-san and Hatsuharu-san.

I giggled as Momiji offered me his cheerful Güten Tag! and Haru muttered a bovine "Yo," coupled with a facial expression that can only be described as a "Haru" expression. We continued walking to school until Yuki spoke up about something he had to take care of before jogging ahead of our group.

"Where is he going?" Haru inquired, still somewhat drowsily, seeing as it was so early.

"Pansy-boy duties." One guess as to who said that!

"Oh."

"Why?"

"No reason. I was just wondering."

"Ah."

This conversation between Kyo and Haru was followed by a strange, awkward silence, until Kagura vaulted out of the bushes to the right of us, tackling Kyo to the ground.

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" Kyo struggled under Kagura's grip, which was kind of pointless, seeing as she had him in a headlock.

"Kissing you good morning!" And with that, she laid a big, sloppy kiss on the top of his head.

As the two were thrashing about, one trying to hold on, the other trying to push her off, Haru came quietly up beside me.

"A lover's tiff."

I beamed at him, "it would seem so!"

"I'm quite accustomed to those." came the murmured reply, before he continued walking ahead, not waiting up for us, "Bye everyone. Bye Tohru."

"Um...bye, Hatsuharu!" I waved animatedly at his retreating form.

By this point in time, Kyo was straightening up, dusting himself off, and grumbling angrily.

"What'd you do that for!" He bellowed in Kagura's face.

"Because I love you!" she bellowed back.

"Hmph!" and with that, Kyo set off, jogging after Haru, leaving Momiji, Kagura, and myself to walk the rest of the way.

"Wow! Kyo-san is in a BAD mood this morning!" Momiji chirped.

"I'm afraid I've put him in that bad mood," Kagura spoke softly, kicking a pebble along with her foot as she walked, "I always do that."

"Oh, don't feel so bad!" I said, linking my arm in hers, "Kyo's got a hot head in the morning! He sets off quickly."

"He's _always_ got a hot head!" Momiji interjected, which made the three of us giggle.

"So...what would you think if I told you...I had a crush on Yuki?" I whispered to Kagura.

"I would think...wait, are you sure!" She squeaked.

"Yeah! I'm pretty sure. After you brought it up yesterday, I mulled it over and well...I think you are right."

"OHMIGOD! You _have_ to let me talk to him for you!"

"NO!...I mean, don't right away...I don't want it to seem like I'm afraid of confronting him. But, you can definitely give me a push whenever you have a conversation with him."

Kagura giggled, "Will do!"

"What are you girls _talking_ about?" Momiji whined.

We simply chuckled in response.

**HARU'S POV**

That bitch.

I know exactly what's happening here, even though everyone thinks I'm stupid. He's gonna flirt like crazy with her until it finally comes around and _she_ gets hit by the love bug, and flirts _back_ until he finally makes a move, which seals the deal.

I was in a pretty bad mood by the time I got to school that day, but I managed to stay in what I like to call the "gray" area of my emotions. Sitting behind my desk first period, I did everything in my control to take my mind off of things. I had felt the tension back there, on our way to school. It had been so thick I could have cut it with a knife. The mere memory of that morning made my blood boil.

I could feel Black creeping in. It was building up, kind of like an orgasm but without the pleasure. It invaded my vision, clouding my senses.

I felt my right arm reach for the leg of my desk.

Suddenly, I felt myself swinging the desk violently above my head, and heard my classmates and teacher screaming in panic.

Like I care.

Yuki picked this time to walk nonchalantly by the classroom and poke his head in. I took careful aim and chucked the desk straight for his face.

I missed.

Shards of glass peppered the class room as the picture window shattered. I could feel the pain of nearly-microscopic glass shavings penetrating my cheeks, yet I didn't let that stop the hateful glare I was giving him. My whole body shook as I took quick breaths, puffing violently, a raging bull about to charge.

"You have to stop doing that," he said softly, "it puts people off," then walked away.

I let a strangled, angry cry emit from my mouth as I ran to the door frame, clinging to it, and shouting at his retreating form,

"YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! COME BACK AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!"

He just kept walking.

I turned around and stared at the students and teacher, all huddled under various desks. I blinked a few times; walked over to the desk I had thrown, replaced it, and began to walk out.

"Um...Sohma, you're bleed-"

"Shut up."

With that I slammed the door behind me, and left.

**Okee, there's your third chappie! A little later than I expected it, but a lot of things have been happening that hinder's the author's ability to write.**

**Haru: (holds up life-sized portrait of Clay Aiken)**

**Nnnnnnnnngggghhhhh...**

**Anyway, sorry that this chapter sucked BALLS, but it's tricky trying to make Tohru not sound like a ditz. Soooo...this is me reporting out!**

**SSS**


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